Critical Memory Items for a Polar Bear Invasion

Do not look him in the eyes.

The government of Newfoundland and Labrador recently released a series of guidelines of “what to do if you come across a Polar Bear in your kitchen”. These guidelines come after a rash of break-ins and loitering perpetrated by unemployed polar bears.

I have since printed off the guidelines and placed them on my fridge. I have also instructed my family to commit these steps to memory. I suggest you do the same, for if you wake up finding a polar bear in your kitchen, you may not be able to get access to the check list.

If anyone encounters a polar bear, they should:

Remain calm

Give the bear(s) space

Back away, get out of the situation, never run

If you must speak, do so calmly and firmly

Avoid direct eye contact with the bear(s)

I did have some questions about the checklist however.

How many polar bears should I expect to be in my kitchen?

How much space do they need?

Is a brisk walk acceptable?

What exactly am I supposed to say to the bear(s) and in what language?

If I look the bear in the eyes, will he steal my soul?

Have these tips been tested, and what is their success rate?

Every man's fear, coming home and seeing your wife with a bear.