|Do not look him in the eyes.|
The government of Newfoundland and Labrador recently released a series of guidelines of “what to do if you come across a Polar Bear in your kitchen”. These guidelines come after a rash of break-ins and loitering perpetrated by unemployed polar bears.
I have since printed off the guidelines and placed them on my fridge. I have also instructed my family to commit these steps to memory. I suggest you do the same, for if you wake up finding a polar bear in your kitchen, you may not be able to get access to the check list.
If anyone encounters a polar bear, they should:
Give the bear(s) space
Back away, get out of the situation, never run
If you must speak, do so calmly and firmly
Avoid direct eye contact with the bear(s)
I did have some questions about the checklist however.
How many polar bears should I expect to be in my kitchen?
How much space do they need?
Is a brisk walk acceptable?
What exactly am I supposed to say to the bear(s) and in what language?
If I look the bear in the eyes, will he steal my soul?
Have these tips been tested, and what is their success rate?
|Every man's fear, coming home and seeing your wife with a bear.|